Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Le Job Market

I need a job. A day job. Really, most any job will do at this point. I would LIKE to get a job in graphic design, but that, as I've come to find out, is fantasy. Here is a job description for a "Graphic Designer" who doesn't exist... I'm getting ahead of myself. Just read and then I'll explain:

Investment Communications firm looking for graphic designer that is also capable of developing new business. Qualified candidates will have a diverse set of skills to work on a variety of design and development projects, including print, electronic, video and web. In addition to working directly on various graphic design projects, the person hired to fill this role will also be responsible for developing new business for the firm, including creating marketing initiatives, making sales calls and acquiring new clients. We estimate that the split between these two responsibilities will be approximately 50/50.
Required Skills: Must have experience with web design and all Adobe Creative Suite applications, especially Illustrator, Photoshop, and InDesign, as well as basic web development skills (i.e. HTML, CSS, & basic Javascript), as well as sales and business development experience.

HOKAY. SO! This company needs design AND development for pretty much ALL media areas. Not only is this person creating every little flyer and promo, but then converting it to an email campaign, web images, and probably "something that will go viral". They will also have to run the numbers, figure out the target demographic, develop/buy the mailing list(s), be their own editor, get it printed/published/uploaded, track the success of all these things with measurable results.

THAT is ONE THIRD of this job. NEXT, they have to FIND NEW CLIENTS (?!) with DIFFERENT marketing initiatives, cold call, and then sell these poor people on investment communications (whatever the hell that is). That is SALES. That is NOT marketing and it's no where NEAR graphic design!

Now, you would think that the job tasks are over. HO HO HO NO. These guys are sneaky (read: not sneaky). In the REQUIRED SKILLS section, the "qualified candidate" will also be A WEB DEVELOPER! Yes! You have to know how to code and build websites! I lovelovelove how companies just toss around skills like HTML, Javascript, CSS, C++, and (why not?) SEO.

There are three full time jobs in there. THREE. I honestly feel that hiring managers think anyone who can use photoshop can also make a website from scratch and be a sales person and do business analytics and create all of the marketing materials. Also, I can pretty much guaran-goddamn-tee you that the starting salary (which, in this case was TBD) is probably around $30k OR (worse yet) $20k plus commission.

This is what I'm up against. Please help.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

The Bio of Sebastian Paff (Part 7 of 7)

Introduction and Part 1
Part 2 - Smarmy
Part 3 - Insight
Part 4 - Origins
Part 5 - Questionable
Part 6 - A Brief Experiment

Part 7 - The Stunning Conclusion

Sebastian Paff – While quietly contemplating the excruciating demands of this profound, yet still filled with a delightful sense of schadenfreude, theatrical play you are about to witness, Master Sebastian Paff sunk back into the well-worn leather chair that had been in his family for generations and slowly closed his eyes to imagine, finally, the lights of opening night fading out after the introduction of the erudite director and then returning to wash the stage of the Pennsylvania Playhouse signaling the beginning of the first act. His head pounded with a fury as he tried to keep all the words, so many, many words that filled the pages of the now weathered script that survived puddles and coffee and errant children and, of course, Sebastian himself, in his already bursting memory. As Sebastian looked to the high, vaulted ceiling of his library that was bequeathed to him from his Great Aunt Gertrude who always favored Sebastian over all her nieces and nephews, though he honestly knew not why; the woman was rich, yes, and ghastly to be sure, and there was a never-ending line of out stretched hands from his family that probably brought about her constantly sour mood and, eventually, her complete and utter abandonment of her family until the final days of her life; he sighed a long and loud sigh that, if anyone were talking at the moment would leave no doubt that Sebastian was bored so terribly that he wanted everyone within earshot to know that he was through listening to this poor sap’s inane drivel. He reached out and took the plain white coffee mug from its resting place on the overly ornate table that flanked his favorite chair and took a hesitant sip, even though he knew the contents had long ago lost their heat, and then a more full gulp that shot his eyes wide open as the tinny taste wrapped itself around his tongue – POISON. It was in this moment that Sebastian realized all the faith he had had had had no effect on the outcome of his life.

Friday, August 29, 2014

The Bio of Sebastian Paff (Part 6 of 7)

Introduction and Part 1
Part 2 - Smarmy
Part 3 - Insight
Part 4 - Origins
Part 5 - Questionable

Part 6 - A Brief Experiment

Sebastian Paff – A rudimentary world wide web search of Mr. Paff’s name reveals an high level of social media presence. Mr. Paff (Subject 5G-2243) has, in his short time on this planet, acclimated to above standard “youth” participation in what is commonly known as “internetting”. To further his efforts for complete assimilation, 5G-2243 has begun “play acting” in a public setting for other humans to observe. It is curious to note that the ones that attend these “actings” desire to learn about the “players” in their true form. It is curious because when the players appear on the raised platform, they appear to be the furthest (emotionally and sometimes physically) from their actual persona. More research must be done, but for now, 5G-2443 must be extracted and questioned immediately.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

The Bio of Sebastian Paff (Part 5 of 7)

Introduction and Part 1
Part 2 - Smarmy
Part 3 - Insight
Part 4 - Origins

Part 5 - Questionable

Sebastian Paff – To be blunt, Sebastian, also known as Virgil Sollozzo in some circles, is not the kind of person you want to be indebted for anything. A ruthless drug lord and purveyor of fine meats and cheeses, Paff caters to those addicts who will stop at nothing to get their chemicals and those addicts who will kill anyone propagating GMOs through the beef and dairy industry. Sure, Paff is a fine young actor who has guile and an innocent swagger to his demeanor; but it is all an illusion. Paff has been hiding from multiple federal agencies for decades. Through his drug cartels and cattle rings, he has amassed a fortune for his countless plastic surgeries and robot clones. You may know Paff here in the Lehigh Valley, but what of the Paff in Ontario? The one in Skhira, Tunisia? Or Novo Mesto, Slovenia? He is everywhere and nowhere. Why all this? The answer is right in front of you. While this bottom-feeder keeps our rehabilitation centers AND our stomachs full, all he really wants to do is make you laugh –which he will attempt (hopefully) tonight.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

The Bio of Sebastian Paff (Part 4 of 7)

Introduction and Part 1
Part 2 - Smarmy
Part 3 - Insight

Part 4 - Origins

Sebastian Paff – My story begins on in Orocue, Columbia near the Rio Itilla. My family would forage for mushrooms to sell at the market that was over 50 kilometers away. We had no car or even a burro to transport them, so we would only visit town every third day. On those days, while my parents would do their best to sell our wild mushrooms to the high-end chefs from America who were looking for the most exotic fungi at the cheapest price to cook down and sell to their overly-wealthy and lazy customers, I would get to wander the streets and beg for money. At first, this was not fun. Mostly, I was beaten or urinated on or both. But, one day, around what I figured to be my eleventh birthday, a man in the fanciest clothes I had ever seen accompanied one of the fat chefs. He seemed very interested in all that was going on in the town. His gaze paused on each scene that broke before him: children playing, farmers haggling, women gossiping, dogs humping, and so on. His eyes eventually turned to me, with my filthy hands stretched out for even the smallest coin, and he smiled! He smiled! The mysterious man reached into his pocket and produced a whole American quarter dollar and he held it before me. “What would you do for this silver piece?” the man asked. The corner of his mouth twitched as he amused himself with this question of me, a lowly street urchin. I found his demeanor… not condescending, but INTRIGUING! With that, I began to imitate him. His stance. His speech. His mannerisms. By this point, several people, including my parents, had gathered to see what was happening. I soldiered on through mimic and right to mockery. My parents’ mouths were agape with embarrassment and were about to pull me away when the well-dressed man let out a roaring belly laugh that stopped everyone in their tracks. I was then sold to the man for thirty-seven dollars and nineteen cents (American) and here I am. (Translated with liberties taken by: Steven Schmid)